A colleague seems off. They’re quieter than usual, or more reactive, or they mentioned offhand that they’re not doing well. You want to help, but you’re not sure what to say, and you don’t want to make it worse.

That instinct to tread carefully is reasonable, but doing nothing has a cost too. Here’s a practical guide for the in-between.

What to Say

The most useful thing you can do is acknowledge what you’re noticing and make yourself available, without pressure or agenda.

• “I’ve noticed you seem like you’ve got a lot on lately. I just wanted to check in.” Simple, direct, non-dramatized. It gives the person an opening without forcing one.
• “You don’t have to share anything. I just wanted you to know I’m around if it would help to talk.” This is especially useful if the person seems reluctant. It removes the pressure to perform a certain kind of response.
• “That sounds really hard.” When someone does share something difficult, resist the urge to immediately solve it or reframe it. A plain acknowledgment that something is hard is often more valuable than advice.

Being present and non-judgmental is the core of what helps. Most people in distress aren’t primarily looking for solutions, but rather to feel less alone in what they’re carrying.

What Not to Say

• “I’m sure it’ll work out” or “at least…” Minimizing, even with good intentions, can make people feel unseen. It shifts the focus away from their experience before they’ve felt heard.
• “You should try…” Jumping to advice before someone has asked for it often lands as dismissive. Wait until they’ve finished sharing, and then ask: “Would it help to think through some options?”
• “I know exactly how you feel” especially if you don’t. It can inadvertently redirect the conversation to your experience instead of theirs.

When to Escalate

If a colleague mentions thoughts of suicide or self-harm, take them seriously and help them connect with a crisis service or healthcare professional immediately.

If they have already harmed themselves, say they intend to act immediately, or appear to be in immediate danger, contact local emergency services. Stay with them if you can do so safely. If you’re speaking remotely, ask where they are so you can help arrange assistance.

For ongoing distress without immediate danger, offer to help them contact a healthcare professional, an employee assistance program, or another support service. A manager or HR representative may also help with workplace support.

You can say: “I care about you, and I want to help you get support. Can we contact someone together?”

Respect their privacy, while explaining that you may need to involve others if their safety is at risk.

Reflection: Think of a time you were struggling at work. What kind of support would have actually helped?